Something Scary

   Today was very scary. Just one part of it that probably lasted less than a minute, but Emma passed out. Michael had seen Emma pass out before on one occasion last month, and I told him that I was so glad that I hadn't been there because I wouldn't know how to handle it. But today while the nurse and RT were lifting Emma out of her crib for me to hold her, part of the ventilator popped off and got disconnected. It was connected back together pretty quickly (probably within five seconds), but long enough that Emma freaked out and was quickly losing air while trying to inhale. She turned gray then dark purple and stopped moving, going limp. The nurses jumped into action and I wish I had watched, but I couldn't. I turned my head away and cried. I hated seeing her like that. She looked dead. Instantly I thought about how Dr. Greaves thought she wouldn't even be compatible with life, but the RT brought my attention back to today. "You can look now. She's awake." I looked back at her, still with tears in my eyes. Her eyes were open and her skin was nice and pink again. She was making a face that looked like she wondered, "What just happened?" But within minutes she was smiling and then fell asleep shortly after.
   The nurse handed me a box of tissues, but told me honestly that I might need to get used to that. "I know it's scary, but you have to be prepared for situations like that. She could pass out at home and you have to know how to help her." She knew that it probably wouldn't be just a one (or two) time thing. Maybe next time it happens I can be strong enough and watch what they do to bring her back.

  I worry about her dying. Not too often, but a lot more than I wish my mind would wander. I know that I shouldn't and that I should say a thank you prayer for every breath (whether its her own or from the ventilator) that fills her lungs and keeps her alive. I should kiss her more and tell her twice as much how special she is to me. I try to be positive for all of us and sometimes it really is pretty easy, especially if Emma is having a good day. But once in a while I dig a hole of negativity and have too many complaints. I'm only telling you this to remind you that I'm human. I feel like this blog is pretty positive and I'm trying to keep the good vibes going, but some days are really tough. It's hard having to go back to work and not be able to spend more time with her. (But since she isn't coming home yet, I am able to use the last 4 weeks of my Florida medical leave time to spend every day with her!) It's hard seeing all of the other moms get time with their perfectly healthy babies, especially when they admit that the baby was not planned for. Or even hearing other moms at the hospital gasp about how hard it was having their baby in the NICU for a couple of weeks. Michael reminds me often about how amazing it is that Emma is alive when science kind of made it seem like that wouldn't be possible. But science doesn't know everything. That's what miracles are for and we'll keep praying for more miracles.