5 Weeks & Counting

   Emma has been in the NICU for 5 weeks and 2 days now. I'm hoping and praying hard that she'll be home by mid-August. Michael and I have been extra tired lately and being more curt than usual which I don't enjoy, but we're trying to make time for each other when we aren't working or taking naps. I feel like I'm rushing around, always having something I need to do, even if it's just pumping and taking a shower. The stress caught up with me on Friday morning when I visited her and the nurse (Charlene that day- she has a new nurse almost every three days) said I couldn't hold my daughter at that time because her heart rate had dropped twice in a 12 hour period. I broke down crying in front of her, but she was very sweet about comforting me and said that crying was a good thing because it means that I love Emma so much. I really do. Michael says he hasn't cried about her, but that's because he's able to stay more positive about things than I am most of the time. I'm okay right now because on Sunday the Nurse Practitioner, Cori, told us that "Emma is doing very well", so I keep trying to replay those words in my head. 

   I went back to work two weeks ago (on Monday, July 3rd) because that will leave me with four weeks of FMLA time to use when she's finally out of the hospital. Since I work 12-hour shifts, I've sadly decided that I shouldn't visit her on nights after work when I also have to work the next day. I end up not getting to sleep until almost 11pm and with having to pump in the middle of the night, then wake up again at 4:50am, I only get two naps totaling five hours. That is not enough for me to go on right now.

  These are my favorite pictures of our sweet, strong Emma McKenzie from the past four weeks, since I've already blogged about her first week of life:

   The day (June 22nd) that she got her soft casts/ splints made and put on by her Occupational Therapist, Meredith. The other day she got updated ones and today I noticed that her knees looked bent more, which was great!

That day was also the first time she wore clothes and sucked her thumb. A big day!!

 Daddy's first time changing a diaper ~ and he did so great!!

   My best friend, Alana, got to meet Emma on her due date (July 2nd). The following week Alana spent time with Emma again, and her mom visited as well.

   One of the first smiles we got to see from her!! (July 6th)

 She only sucked her thumb one time, but really seems to like pacifiers.

 Saying her prayers. & Looking like a tiny clean greaser after her bath! (below)

 I try to hold her often, especially on my days off and when she's had good days.  Emma turned one month old on July 12th and the nurse Karen helped me with a little photo shoot!

Emma's First Weekend

Emma's first weekend was fun because her grandparents (my parents) came down to visit for about five hours on Saturday, June 17th. They only let two visitors in each baby's NICU area at a time so my mom and I went in first while Michael and my dad waited in the lobby, then we switched.

   During the whole week Michael thought we would not be allowed to give Emma kisses due to the NICU having such strict hand washing policies, so we only "held her" by cupping our hands over her head and under her diaper. I had been a rebel before by sticking my freshly washed fingers in her hand to hold. But on Saturday I asked Nurse Karen if we were allowed to give her kisses. "Oh my goodness, of course!" she told us. There was a lot of excitement that day. She also told us that we would be able to fully hold Emma in our arms once she was off the ventilator that shook her bed. I expected it would be a week or two before that happened.

   The next day, Sunday, June 18th, was Michael's first official Father's Day! I had been very lightly celebrating Mother's Day since May of last year after our first "baby" went straight to Heaven seven weeks into my pregnancy. I thought it was very kind that a handful of friends wished me a Happy Mother's Day then as well as this year while I was still 33 weeks pregnant with Emma.
   We got to the hospital around 12:40 where Michael was presented with his gift that one of the nurses had made the night before. It was a lovely red wooden frame with a heart cut out for a picture. The top says "My Daddy is the Best" with Emma's name and foot prints on the side. I noticed that the room was a little bit quieter than usual- the shaky ventilator was off and they had switched her to one that helped her initiate her own breaths.
  "Does that mean we can hold her!?" I asked. When they said yes, I added half joking, "Well let me just rip my shirt off right now!" I had been told about Skin to Skin, or Kangaroo Care as the nurses were calling it, and how it has a lot of benefits including regulating the baby's heartbeat and creating antibodies in the milk I produce for her.

   The nurse told us that there were some other things that needed to be done before we could hold her, but to plan on 1:30 after they did her "hands on" (changing her diaper, etc). So Michael and I went downstairs to the cafe and got lunch together before heading back up to the third floor at 1:30. However, then a male nurse said he wanted to retape her tube since it was coming lose around her mouth. It ended up being 2:30 before I got to hold her, but it was still a wonderful time. I held her for 45 minutes before we switched and then Michael held her for another 45 minutes.

(PICC line in her arm that was placed on Saturday morning. They were able to take the IV out of her bellybutton.)

Baby mullet! :D

   Later that night during dinner, about three bites in, I started thinking about Emma's beautiful hair and her chubby cheeks and suddenly missed her so much, and started to cry. Michael said some kind words and told me that we could go see her after dinner. When he was done eating, I ran to the car, as fast as my incision would let my legs move. Michael called from behind me, "Slow down, Shnooks. The hospital isn't going to close." I stopped on the driveway to hold my abdomen and laugh. In the car I told Michael again how great of a husband he was for driving all over town to let me go see Emma again. He told me, "You weren't really twisting my arm. I want to see her too."

Home Alone

Thursday, June 15^th ~ 

   My nurse, Karana, gave us my discharge papers around 2pm with care instructions, but we stayed until 4:30 because we were still waiting for a pediatric cardiologist to give us an update on her heart. She told us that Emma has a VSD (Ventricular Septal Defect) due to a narrow aortic arch, but said it was currently not being obstructed. They are doing echocardiograms every other day to keep a look at it to see if it’s something that requires surgery. We are definitely hoping not though even though she said it would be evasive and the problem could get fixed from the outside of the heart. We went down to see Emma before we left the hospital. 

   I got 36ml of milk pumped this night and was up to 54ml by Friday afternoon! (Now my average is between 70-90ml.) Pumping isn’t my favorite, especially due to the initial pull, but of course I am going to do it for Emma. I have heard that breastfeeding (or at least the baby getting the milk in some way) is very beneficial, especially if I continue it for the next six months. It sure sounds like a long time.. eight times a day, 20 minutes each time, for six months.. But this is my baby! Sorry Michael, OUR baby.. and I want her to be so super healthy, especially since she is already needing so much other medicine to help her. I have some concerns about how much I’ll be able to get done once I go back to work if I have to pumped every 2-3 hours, but it has to be done, so I’ll definitely try to keep it up until Christmas.

   On the way home Michael asked if I was okay and I answered honestly saying yes. But once we got in the house and both laid down to take a nap (me being on the blow up mattress with Sasha because our bed is too high), I started crying a bunch because I hated her not being at home with us. Michael reassured me that she was fine and all of the nurses are taking care of her. That night we went to Target for a two-step foot stool, since the one step foot stool I had been using the last couple months of pregnancy still made it too hard for me to climb into bed after my C-section. I was able to get into bed decently with Michael’s help and he also helped me out of bed two hours later when I had to go to the bathroom, but another two hours later I couldn’t turn my body any way without feeling like I was being stabbed on both ends of my incision. I started crying again and Michael had to pull me into a sitting position by putting his hands on my back so I wasn’t using any of my muscles. He brought me all of the sheets and blankets from the blow up mattress and put them on the couch for me. Even the blow up mattress was hard to get out of because I couldn’t lay flat for a while and then get up again. I had nothing to hold on to and pull myself up with, so having the couch backing and arm rests helped, but I still slept propped up a bit.

Friday, June 16^th ~

   Doctor McMann (another NICU cardiologist) called me this morning and I went into the bedroom where Michael was to put him on speakerphone. He basically gave us the same information as the woman at the hospital.  I was able to get out of the car by myself this afternoon when we got to the hospital to visit Emma, and found out in an unintentional way, which was pretty funny. I had been texting my OB/GYN about Emma (since she recently left the practice so she wasn’t at the hospital to see us), and since I was distracted by my phone, I kind of just quickly rolled out of the car, landing fine on both feet. Michael gave me a surprised look! I was also fine to get out of the car without help a couple hours later when we stopped by Publix for groceries, and then again when we got home. When we were dropping off my lunchbox full of proud milk bottles, we saw a man turning in a bottle with just a little bit inside. It had a #2 sticker on the top, meaning it was the second bottle they were able to turn in. I wondered if that mom was as proud as I was even just getting that little bit! I wanted to say, “Tell her to wait just one more day and it will quickly start adding up. She’s doing great!”

 ^^ She has this little eye mask cloth on her face most of the time when we come in, just to block the sun and NICU lights and help her sleep. I joked in this picture that she was meditating because of how she kept her thumb and index finger together.

   This was another sweet peek she gave us when we were talking to her. It's actually a screenshot from one of the five videos we took of her that day. She was moving her hands and feet a lot this afternoon. When I watch it now I notice that she opened that eye three times, but I only noticed it at this point when I was looking at her as it happened. Another thing I think is interesting is that I use little names for her that I used to not like such as Sweetie and Honey, but saying it to her in my quiet baby voice just sounds appropriate. I noticed that a lot of the nurses also use "baby talk" or baby voices when talking to them.

My Recovery

Tuesday, June 13^th /“Recovery” ~

   On Tuesday, I was feeling a little better, but still very tired and getting sick some. A nurse came in around 5am to take out my catheter, so my goal for the day was to go to the bathroom on my own. She said it would be good if I could go by Noon, so that became my goal so I would be allowed to leave my room to go see Emma. My nurse (Rachel) came in before her shift ended at 7am and “challenged me” to use the bathroom by 10am instead! Michael left in the morning to take Sasha out, and I was cranky when he got back. I had felt a few bathroom urges, but when I got in there, I would just sit there for a few minutes, sometimes just to throw up. This happened twice until maybe around 9:30am I was able to go. There was a piece of paper on the wall and a plastic measuring bowl in the toilet for me to write down how much fluid I was going through. I kept pumping every few hours, upset that I was still only getting a few drops, if any.

   Dr. Feld came in to see how we were doing and at that time Michael was helping me walk another loop around the hallway. The pain from walking wasn’t too bad since I was still on a few different medicines (the epidural, two Percocet every four hours and Motrin every six hours), but I had to lay down on my bed again because I started feeling sick. I had ordered oatmeal for breakfast, but since I told them I was on a “full liquid diet” in the morning, it was more like oatmeal flavored soup. Kind of gross, but I still ate it with brown sugar packets. Around Noon a different nurse came in and took out the epidural in one swift motion as she told me that ripping the tape off would hurt the most.

   Around 2pm I felt good enough to go down to visit Emma in the NICU. My day nurse Megan brought us a wheelchair and Michael wheeled me down to the third floor. I had been keeping my room pretty cold (between 65-70) which felt very comfortable to me, so being in the NICU, the temperature felt much hotter. Especially right over Emma’s bed where they had a heat lamp on. It seriously felt like it was at least 90 degrees in that spot. I was able to stand for a few pictures, but then told Michael that we needed to leave because I didn’t feel well. 

   We got outside of the room and saw Dr. Fleishman, (the pediatric cardiologist who did Emma's fetal heart scan in May) saying hello. He started to talk to Michael, but suddenly I said, “I’m going to get sick!” And I did, so Michael quickly wheeled me away. I felt so sad that I could only see Emma for a few minutes. The nurse said that maybe part of the reason I was still getting sick was because nausea is a side effect of Percocet, so we lowered each dose to just one pill.

   For dinner I was able to eat at least half of my food that I ordered from the hospital café. We talked to our college friend, Dawson, that night and while he was on speakerphone his mom began saying prayers for Emma and us. I thought that was really nice. I told Michael it was okay if he slept at home that night, but before he left he monitored and helped me while I took a shower. I had read on a few different websites about C-sections that women weren’t allowed to take a shower for a week due to not wanting to get any soap or water in the incision area. However, my nurse wrapped up my IV and told me that letting soap and water run over my incision was the best way to keep it clean, but not to touch or scrub the area. Michael was so sweet and washed my back, then dried off my legs since I couldn’t bend over. I was able to get more sleep that night- about six hours.

Wednesday, June 14^th /“The Day I Became a Cow” ~

   That morning when I was pumping, a blonde doctor came in and asked how I was doing. When I said I was wishing I could make more milk, she suggested I take Fenugreek supplements. Michael woke up late at home, which was fine, so I called him asking to pick me up some of those pills. He also printed out three pictures of Emma for me. It was nice looking at them on my phone, but I wanted them out next to my bed too.

  Within 4 minutes of pumping that morning I got a call in my room from a NICU nurse who said one of the doctors (Doctor Orsini) wanted to speak with me. He said that Emma was ready to start drinking milk through her feeding tube, but since he knew I hadn’t been able to really make any yet, he asked if I would give consent for them to provide donor breast milk to her. Of course I said yes and had to verbally state my name, Emma’s name and give consent again. Even if it’s not mine, I knew breast milk was going to be super healthy for her. Luckily around 5pm that evening I was able to pump my first milliliter of colostrum and boy was that a huge accomplishment! A couple hours later I was up to 5ml! During one of the morning milk drop offs, Michael talked to the nurses and was able to get the EASE app set up for Emma. That’s a program where they can send us pictures of her with little messages about how she’s doing. I was so excited about that too!

   At 4pm after eating some lunch, pumping again, and getting myself looking nice, we went down to see Emma. It’s always our favorite part of the day! Michael usually saw her more while I was in the hospital, just because he would go down to the NICU each time I pumped to turn in my bottles. We brought the wheelchair down just in case, but I was glad that I didn’t need to use it. I had been walking in place when I pumped to get blood flowing through my body better and kept the room temperature between 70-73 so the NICU wouldn’t seem as hot. This time Emma didn’t have the heat lamp on. We were able to stay with her for about 30 minutes. The nurse (Brittany) told us that they had Emma on about 30% oxygen the night before, but they had been able to turn it down to 26%, which was only five percent more than what everyone normally breathes. We made a couple videos, which I love watching over and over (and over!!), and I made sure to stick my pinky in her tiny hand because I wanted to feel those love squeezes.

   When Michael drove home to take Sasha out before dinner, Nellie the lactation consultant came in to see how I was doing and told me how great of a husband Michael is, mentioning that not many husbands are as helpful as he is. I said thank you prayers for him and thanked him again when he got back to the room.

   We visited Emma again around 11pm after I pumped and before Michael went home to sleep. The night nurse was really nice and asked us what the baby’s name was. We both said “Emma” in our sweet voices. “Oh, Emma. That is such a pretty name.” We got to see Emma get her diaper changed (those are some tiny diapers!) and I almost started crying when she got wiped because she made a crying face, but she never makes any noise. Michael said it was probably just because the wipe was cold, but I hate her having to be so strong and how she makes those sad faces for a second or two that crush my heart.

 ^^ Such a special moment because they keep her sedated most of the time to help her breathing, and also so her wiggly strong arms don't try to push her tubes out, so when she was able to open her eyes just a tiny bit to look at Michael.. Well, let's just say he melted into the floor. ♡♡♡

   A month or two ago I was texting Lindsey about baby monitors and how I wouldn’t want to rush in every time the baby makes an uncomfortable noise because most of the time they just turn over or are able to cry themselves back to sleep (especially if they have recently been fed and changed), but now seeing Emma for real and me dying every time she looks unhappy just for a second, rushing to her side is all I want to do!